There are many joys in my life; you are king among them. The other joys, my friends, my family, the everyday pieces of beauty like the falling snow and the kindness of strangers in airports, they all bend around you like a force field.
The focus that it takes to be with you, to take care of all the little pieces of life so that I can be present and see you and give you what you need, well, it is a full life. Or, it is a devotion. That’s why when I step outside of it I feel as if I’m in a foreign country, like I’ve been to war and come back only to find that everyone’s been doing just the same thing as always but I do not recognize it.
I will tell you what I mean. Last night I went out with friends and we played pool at a bar and ended up at a dance party. I talked to a man. At a dance party. People do this everyday, I know, it’s not like I flew to the moon. All these people, bobbing up and down under a flashing disco ball, smiling and laughing in a crowded, warm, spinning room. Like looking at another life through glass.
Maybe this is shell shock. Maybe it’s totally normal. Anyone on a real path knows once you put yourself there, there is no way back.
Still, it is difficult to know how to exist outside of this, outside of you, or whether it can be done. When I walk out the door of our house without you, I no longer recognize myself, or anything else. No one tells you this about single parenting. Like stars that revolve around each other, the gravity is deep and constant. The pull of other forces feels like nothing, just a faint wind on your cheek.
I say this knowing it will change. And that it is a great, great gift, to be here with you now.
Little Bug 